Today's topic is a thing, or thing(s) that I'm most afraid of. I could go really broad on this topic and list a bazillion things that I'm petrified of rats, snakes, roaches, riding a horse, falling in a really deep hole, and soo soo much more, but there is one thing that really scares me to my core.. and that is losing someone that I love, more than life alone, my son.
You know, after I lost my baby back in September of 09', I very quickly conceived again in December 09', and found out about 3 weeks later, literally. Going through my first trimester was just terrifying and I feared each time I went to the rest room that I would see spots of blood, likewise before, and thankfully I never did. Second trimester very slowly rolled around, and I was still just a terrified as I was in the first, because I miscarried the first week of my the second trimester. I constantly went to get ultrasounds just to make sure his heart was still beating away, it kind of became an obsession with making sure I was growing a live baby. Still, with the third trimester, was very worrisome. It was a tad bit easier not to worry as much because I lived for each kick, and each movement. If the kicking wasn't happening when it usually did, insert panic mode. You know, my opinion, you don't think about these kind of things until you have a baby loss, then it just consumes your thoughts.
FINALLY September 10' rolled around and we welcomed our 8.2 lb baby boy.. and life truly hasn't been the same... but I can't say that I still don't fear that something would happen to him. The first week of November 10' he had just turned 8 weeks, and it was my first weekend off back to work. It was Friday night, and we were doing our night time routine. I was bathing him, and he spit up some of his formula, and in the process of trying to get it up, he aspirated some, and immediately turned pale, and very blue, and was completely lethargic. Insert panic mode. All I could think was not again, I can not go through this again. I very vividly remember yelling and pleading with God for my baby's life in the car ride all the way to the hospital. He very quickly came to and got his color back and was completely fine, but still after 2 years and 8 months I still worry about his life, I think that's part of being a mom, but I think it's also part of being a baby loss mother, too.
|His First ER trip when he had aspirated.|